A day in the life at the Gleason Zoo

This 4th of July brought about one small glimmer of independence followed by a huge dose of reality. Earlier in the day, the kids, Ken and I were soaking up some sunshine in the morning out on our front deck (pronounce that in a New Zealander accent for fun.  If you don't know what I mean, check out the hilarious YouTube video here .)  Hunter was being his little terrorist self, running to the edge of the not completed deck and giving us heart attacks every minute or two. Alexa has a new game that she likes to play with Hunter.  It's called "Kiss the baby!"  Alexa has a worn out baby doll that she has recently taken a liking to, and has been schooling Hunter in the art of parenting.  His first trick is to hold the baby nicely while stroking it's head and crooning "Nice baby" over and over again.  His second trick, and the one Alexa is the most proud of, is that she will kiss the baby on the head, hand the baby to Hunter, who will also plant a sloppy ...

During the course of the last several weeks, I've noticed some on again, off again pain in my left breast.  It is tender to the touch and has been bothering me.  When you've worked at a cancer center and see how many women are affected by breast cancer, their ages, and the fact that many of them have NO family history of it, it opens your eyes to keep a better watch on the "girls!" I saw my family practitioner and while she didn't find anything palpable, she suggested a mammogram to be 100% sure and to have a future baseline.  Mammograms are now only recommended to women over the age of 45 (40 if you have it in your family history), but are considered the appropriate "go-to" if you are having any type of breast issue that is out of the ordinary. I'm not sure what kind of stories others have heard, but every story I heard about mammograms involved pain, being uncomfortable, and avoidance at all costs.  I know of many women who have never had a mam...

In an attempt to make my entire body stop hurting, my headache go away, and just plain get out of the house, I have decided to undertake the daunting task of teaching a 4 year old to fish.  Ken's dad lives right on a quiet lake chock full of crappie, bluegill, walleye and bass.  Wrangling her should be interesting, wrangling Hunter should be a downright chore.  We plan to bring his playpen and I will set it up near the campfire area, which is about 10 feet from the dock.  I will honestly have to put something in it to weigh it down, or actually bungee the darn thing to one of the small pine trees, because Hunter can rock the thing so hard, he can actually tip it right over!  I hope he is patient with us, and enjoys the views outside with toys so we have some time to catch some stuff.  Our success today really depends on his mood.  Ken will be on the roof, so he wont be able to be much help. I am fluctuating between hating my life immensely and hating...

The world is still spinning, the house is still running, and the kids are still being turkeys.  Nothing has stopped just because my daughter has passed away.  I would like nothing more than to climb under a rock and let the world go on without me, but that just isn't possible.  I'm really hoping that once I finally bring her home that I can move on, knowing she is here. It isn't just the emotional toll, it's the physical toll as well.  The last month of pregnancy was not nice to me.  I was swollen, hurting, and having several panic attacks daily.  I just pushed through, knowing that I just had to get her through another month, and she would have a fighting chance.  ONE MONTH.  Four weeks. 30 more days.  That is all she would have needed.  Would it have been a long shot?  Absolutely.  The fact that she didn't even get the chance to try?  It isn't fair. The physical toll is horrible.  I have a terrible headache that...

We found out that our tiny daughter, Rosie was going to be born sleeping on Monday, August 4th, 2014.  This is the second miscarriage we have had in two years, though this is the first one that baby was far enough along to actually deliver. The induction was scheduled for the next day at the Birthing Center.  We arrived promptly at 7 a.m.  The lady behind the desk was very prompt at getting things in order and us to our room.  Good for me, because there was a tiny newborn sleeping in a bassinet right behind her.  Talk about a knife to the gut.  She led us back to our room, at the end of one of the wings.  I think they did that purposefully to keep us away from the babies, which was appreciated.  I noticed as I walked in that there was a little sign to the right of a leaf on a purple background with a drop of water on it.  That was there to alert those walking in that we were delivering a stillborn. She walked us in and gave instructions, ...

I don't know why it is that when things start to get rough, I turn to my blog, but it seems to be the one way to get things out that I just plain don't want on Facebook or don't have the courage to say aloud. This pregnancy had been full of questions, fear and uncertainty.  When I look back on it, I shouldn't be surprised that it didn't come to fruition.  Many of my appointments were discouraging and I left the hospital several times convinced that we had come to the end, but for some reason, Rosie hung on. My last ultrasound convinced me all was certainly  not well, even though my OB didn't wholeheartedly agree, though he did refer me to a perinatologist.  More, I think, to calm me down.  You see, when I first saw Rosie's heartbeat, it was 179.  Perfectly acceptable for 8 weeks.  She measured a day big.  All was well. I had a bit of bleeding between appointments, and went to the ER, where I was assured that I was possibly miscarrying. ...

It is a quiet night here at our house.  Ken brought home the plague from Tennessee.  He went to bed at around 7 and I haven't seen him since. Unfortunately, Hunter has it now, Cade has it (though is fairing quite well) and my stomach is a little rough.  Hoping Alexa avoids it!  But, seeing as her immune system is as crappy as mine, that is probably a pipe dream.  I really hope we all shake it before our interview on channel 7 this Tuesday!! I started my new antidepressant today, so hopefully that kicks in soon.  I've been on this one once before, and it didn't work...however, I didn't really give it much of a chance.  I've learned a lot since then, and with this kind of med, you need to give it longer than a few days to work. I'm thinking I'm going to follow the family to bed.  Hunter had a rough night last night, and I anticipate tonight may not be much better.  Here is hoping that I'm wrong!!

Once again, back on the horse. For someone who enjoys writing as much as I do, it is a shame I don't do it more often.  I have a few minutes before dinner, so I figure now is a good time to get started. Right now, my anxiety and panic is 100% out of control.  I was doing pretty well until I miscarried.  After that happened, my world seemed to truly fall apart.  I started experiencing a great deal of stomach pain.  On top of that, my panic attacks gradually started increasing. For those who have never had a panic attack, let me enlighten you.  It starts off as a feeling that something isn't right.  Just a general feeling of anxiousness.  Your legs start to get restless. Pretty soon, your heart starts beating faster, you start to sweat, you have trouble breathing and thoughts race through your head.  Not pretty thoughts either.  Thoughts that include every terrible thing that has ever happened to you.  They can consist of over a...

Lately, there has been something very large pressing on my mind.  Something I cannot shake, and something I need to figure out.  My close friends are aware of my feelings, and have given opinions, yet, regardless, I still feel undecided. Those that know us (and who have followed on this blog) know that we have three children.  I have a 10 year old son from a previous marriage, and then we have a 2 year old little girl, and our almost 11 month old, Hunter, who has Down Syndrome. When I got pregnant with Hunter, we were absolutely done having kids.  This was it.  No more.  Our family was complete.  I fully believed that.  As I progressed in the pregnancy, and had the familiar back pain, minor complications and issues, swelling, etc...I was DONE.  This was it. Now I'm not so sure. Hunter has been a little blessing in our lives.  He is a ball of happiness and sunshine.  He has made me a better person.  I look forward to wha...

Last week we started Hunter with an additional PT.  I couldn't believe the difference in the style of how his therapy was done.  Instead of just observing him, and doing a few small things...this therapist worked my little boy until he was out of breath!!  Not in a bad way, but it made me realize how many things he is lacking in yet. She was also more positive than I remember her being.  You see, this is the same therapist that we saw in the NICU.  She was a bit more stern there, and not as positive about his diagnosis.  She made it seem as though he would never be able to do much of anything.  I asked her about this during his session, and she apologized profusely, and stated that she never intended to come across that way, but didn't want to give us false hope that this long road was going to be paved with gold, and full of unicorns and sunshine.  It's a HARD road, and we needed to know that.  I appreciated her honesty, and watching her w...

I wonder how many other people out there wish they could travel back in time to see their parents at their peak?  I've heard so many stories about my parents, and their "party" days, that I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see them for myself!!  I thought I would share a few stories of my beloved parents.  To keep them fresh in my memory, and to document them for future generations, because damn it, some of these stories are funny as Hell!! The first story that comes to mind is of my father, and his temper.  Those who know my dad know that he has the temper of the devil, and one doesn't want to get on his bad side.  Ever.  I've heard this story from more than one person, so I'm quite sure the events aren't exaggerated...much. Apparently, my parents had a specific bar that they frequented.  I think it was Teddy Pike's Bar, but don't remember for certain.  My dad had a stool that he ALWAYS sat on.  It was an unwritten rule that it was D...

If there is one thing I've learned about life, it's that it never gets any easier.  Our little zoo got a little smaller two weeks ago.  My little lab/griffon mix, Bella, got incredibly sick and passed away at the tender age of 3.  We don't know the exact cause and I can't tell you how much I miss her. That girl could get into the most uncomfortable positions, and make them comfortable. Another thing that I've learned about life, is that no matter how much you don't want it to sometimes, that it always goes on.  Yesterday was our very first Awareness walk for Down Syndrome.  God, I was scared.  I didn't know what to expect!!  It was a little disorganized, but I learned a few lessons... Lesson #1.  I have one of the greatest friends in the entire world.  She has been there with me through everything - since Junior High School, and she didn't let me down here.  Her and her family made this walk so much easier, and I thank them...

In my previous post, I expressed some serious darkness that had been building up inside of me.  It was not my intention to offend anyone, but it was however, my way of getting what was building up out.  There is a line of a song that really hits home for me:   " 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song/ If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,  Threatening the life it belongs to." (Anna Nalick - 2 a.m.)   This blog has become therapy for me.  It helps me to just throw everything out to just see where it lands.  It helps.   Because of my last post, a great friend (you know who you are) hooked me up with a friend of hers who has a child with a disability, who has also lived a difficult life, and who was willing to sit down and talk to me.  The ability to vent to her, to someone who TRULY understands, was a wonderful feeling.  She was harsh in some aspects of my darkness, but understanding.  This is what I ...

This weekend was an eventful one for our little zoo.  Myself and the kids traveled to the Chicago area to see their Grandmother and Great-Grandmother.  We packed the days full of activity, and had a wonderful time.  I think the Brookfield Zoo was our favorite, as neither Alexa nor I had ever been to a zoo before!!  Hunter doesn't count, because he won't remember.  I'm not sure Alexa will either, but we have tons of pictures to remind her!! While we walked around the zoo, it was hard NOT to notice all the parents and children.  All of the parents and their NORMAL children.  People with three or four kids, with not one noticeable disability among them.  I became angry.  Was I really asking for too much to have a nice, normal family?  Hasn't our family struggled enough?  What did I do wrong to deserve this?  And it just kept getting worse. Call me obsessed, but every time I see a child around Hunter's age who is doin...

Things have been pretty crazy at the temporary zoo.  On Sunday July 1st, I started feeling unwell.  Really unwell.  Nothing tasted right, I didn't have an appetite and my stomach was consistently rolling.  Mom allowed me to head to bed about 6, and by 10, I was in the bathroom praying to the porcelain god.  It continued all night, and the next morning, I was still not feeling better, AT ALL.  I ended up in the ER getting doped up with Phenergen, and getting IV fluids.  Count this as Day One missed at work. The next day, while I was feeling a tiny bit better, Hunter awoke with a nasty cough.  Not just a small cough. A nasty, noisy, wheezy, take-your-breath-away cough.  I had NEVER heard him like that.  Not only could he not breathe, he couldn't see either.  Both of his eyes were matted shut with nasty green goo. I took him into his Pediatricians office that day to have him evaluated.  She didn't think he had pneumoni...

Today has been a day of anxious feelings and worry. Several days ago, Ken and I received some wonderful news. St. Vincent's De Paul in Merrill still had money set aside for tornado victims. I contacted the person in charge, and set up a meeting for last week.  We sat down with her and told her about what happened to the house. I had pictures printed of all the damage, and we had a list of "must-have" materials from Menards to finish the roof, the siding, and most of the internal structure. She stated that she would have a few board members come and look at our home the following day, and then would take our request to the board of directors.  The following day, the group came and looked at our house. Within hours, we had a check in our hands to pick up all of our materials at Menards. What a blessing!! Neither of us could believe that this was happening to us, because after all, good things don't typically happen to our little family! Since then, we have ...

On February 16th, 2012, my life was changed forever.  Not only because I added a new son to my life, but because I added a new phrase to my vocabulary:  Down's Syndrome. Hunter arrived to this world with a few pretty severe issues.  Hunter had PPH (Primary Pulmonary Hypertension).  He was not breathing effectively, and because of this, it was determined that he needed to be admitted to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Wausau. Not only was Hunter not breathing effectively, he was also arching his back.  While no one actually said it out loud to us, they were very concerned that aside from the probable Down's diagnosis, that he may have something wrong neurologically as well. I remember being in a fog.  They allowed me to see him, but I could only hold him for a short time, because he needed to be ready once the transport arrived to take him to Wausau.  It was the last time I had the opportunity to hold him for over a week.  When I held...

As promised...here is Hunter's complete birth story!  At 39 weeks and 1 day, Ken and I headed to the hospital for the induction. Dr. McFadden had off this day, however, was willing to stop in and place the first Cytotec (this is a tiny little pill they place on your cervix to help it ripen) to get my labor moving. He did work the next day, and felt that I would not be in a good labor pattern until the next morning. My last two pregnancies ended with terrible inductions that took over 18 hours each. They were miserable and horrible, and I expected nothing less from this one.  Dr. McFadden showed up around dinner time and placed the first pill on my cervix. This could be done once every four hours, at least four times. Ken and I sat and talked and wondered what our little man was going to look like. We were both incredibly excited. At around 10 p.m., the nurse placed the second Cytotec. My cervix was doing very well, and had dilated another centimeter. We were prog...