Trying to cope

The world is still spinning, the house is still running, and the kids are still being turkeys.  Nothing has stopped just because my daughter has passed away.  I would like nothing more than to climb under a rock and let the world go on without me, but that just isn't possible.  I'm really hoping that once I finally bring her home that I can move on, knowing she is here.

It isn't just the emotional toll, it's the physical toll as well.  The last month of pregnancy was not nice to me.  I was swollen, hurting, and having several panic attacks daily.  I just pushed through, knowing that I just had to get her through another month, and she would have a fighting chance.  ONE MONTH.  Four weeks. 30 more days.  That is all she would have needed.  Would it have been a long shot?  Absolutely.  The fact that she didn't even get the chance to try?  It isn't fair.

The physical toll is horrible.  I have a terrible headache that nothing gets to.  I'm shaky all the time.  I have a hard time eating.  Thinks look weird, and I'm dizzy and off center.  I feel weak and just, off.  Is most of that anxiety?  Probably.  I'm trying to get through the worst of it with just a Xanax or two, and not have to go on something every day.  I worked so hard to get off of it, I don't want to have to do it again.  If the depression becomes too much to bear, I will.

I'm nervous about going back to work already.  I want to make sure I can give my all.  I do not want to bring any of this to work with me.  It isn't fair to my co-workers, or to the good job I pride myself on.  I really, really hope it will be a good distraction.  Something to take me away from the stress of what has happened.  A place to lose myself in.  At least, that is what I hope will happen.

Because I do not have the ability to take things one day at a time, I have already started to dread Christmas.  I was so looking forward to the holiday, because I knew it is when I would meet my little lady.  What is there left to look forward to now?  It will take everything I have to put on a fake face for the kids and make it enjoyable for them.  I will, however, be lost in the "what might have been."  I know me.  As much as I don't want to be that person, I will be anyway.  I've known me for 36 years.


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