Not so Independent.
This 4th of July brought about one small glimmer of independence followed by a huge dose of reality.
Earlier in the day, the kids, Ken and I were soaking up some sunshine in the morning out on our front deck (pronounce that in a New Zealander accent for fun. If you don't know what I mean, check out the hilarious YouTube video here.) Hunter was being his little terrorist self, running to the edge of the not completed deck and giving us heart attacks every minute or two.
Alexa has a new game that she likes to play with Hunter. It's called "Kiss the baby!" Alexa has a worn out baby doll that she has recently taken a liking to, and has been schooling Hunter in the art of parenting. His first trick is to hold the baby nicely while stroking it's head and crooning "Nice baby" over and over again. His second trick, and the one Alexa is the most proud of, is that she will kiss the baby on the head, hand the baby to Hunter, who will also plant a sloppy kiss on the baby's dirty plastic dome. She loves the way he does this, so encourages him to do it over and over again.
Hunter does a great job of following his sisters lead in most situations. However, he does have a mind of his own, and most of the time it is up to no good. He followed his sisters lead, stroking the baby and giving it a kiss. Then, as quick as can be, he runs to the side of the deck, and chucks the baby to the ground. With a twinkle in his eye, he looks at me in mock terror and yells, "MUMMY! Help baby!"
Wait. What?!
My essentially non-verbal son, who generally only says words when you ask him to repeat them, just came up with a three word sentence that makes sense in time AND context?! Holy hell!
Alexa was already on her way to soothe her broken baby and Hunter was off to his next terrorist task of running to the other side of the open deck to give me a heart attack once more. I, was internally celebrating his amazing feat, and wondering how much more he is holding back on me. Hunter generally does things on his own time, and I assume talking is going to be the same. This made my morning and I immediately ran to Facebook to post the news to my friends and family.
I set myself up to have an amazing day. My son just spoke a three word sentence. What a true "Independence" Day it was turning out to be!
Then, a few hours later, the unwelcome Ice Water Challenge of parenting a kid with special needs came crashing about my head, and remained there dripping its icy fingers down my neck for the rest of the day.
Things have been a bit of a struggle at home lately and to get out of the house and calm down the tension, Ken and I enjoy taking rides. We just hop in the car, drive down a back road and listen to music. This has always helped us, even in the worst of times. Pretty sure our two youngest children are the result of these rides, but I digress.
The kids are generally pretty good and will give us a solid hour of riding around before any complaining or whining starts. This was going pretty well until I decided to take a run down our favorite dirt road through the Gleason Underdowns. Hunter was NOT having it. He started to whine from the beginning. He has developed a new phobia of trees that are too close to the car, and whenever the car is placed into reverse. Both of these things happened within a few seconds of each other and he lost it. Went into complete "I hate the universe and all those within it" meltdown.
Before I make myself sound like a complete ass, let me state: This is my favorite place on Earth to be. Driving through the woods with the windows down, going slow and just enjoying the ride. Nothing kills that vibe like a 5 year old screaming bloody murder in the backseat, and continuing it for every solid second you remain on that stretch of road. By the time we exited back on to the main road, my ears were bleeding and I was seeing red. The only thing running through my head was chorus of negative thoughts, all centering on the same thing: You are not cut out for this. Your life sucks. Why can't you just do something you enjoy without it being ruined?
These thoughts bounced around my head for the entire ride home. Selfish? Yeah. I agree with that. But DAMN. I just wanted to take a ride, and I couldn't even do that.
Things seemed to shape up later on in the evening when we went to Hunter's Aunt's for a cookout. The food was delicious, the kids played nicely and we had a great time. Hunter ate his food, acted like a gentleman and we all unwound. It was great!
Alexa was bound and determined that we were going to go see fireworks. I knew that Hunter hated loud noises, but a good friend had put out an invite to us locals that if we were interested in partaking in the fireworks, we could do so from their backyard. They have a great view with minimal noise. I thought that would be a perfect place for Hunter to be able to enjoy the beautiful explosions of light. Wow, was I wrong!
From the second we walked in the yard, he decided to pitch a fit. He was in unfamiliar territory. My friend's adorable son, who is the same age as Hunter, did everything in his power to get Hunter to want to be friends with him. Hunter rejected every attempt, including pushing him hard twice. This was absolutely heart-breaking to me. Here was a little guy who wanted nothing more than to be Hunter's friend, and Hunter couldn't get past his sensory overload to accept it. Thankfully, my friend is very understanding and knew that Hunter wasn't trying to be mean, he was just overstimulated and acting out. This girl has been one of my best friends since Junior High school. It was so exciting to have boys that were so close in age. But the friendship that I envisioned will never be, because Hunter just doesn't have the capability. It kills me inside.
Thankfully, my mother was with us last evening and offered to take Hunter back to the car so he could calm himself and relax. That way, the rest of the group wouldn't have to listen to his incessant non-stop whining and crying. Two more stakes to the heart. One, that I couldn't calm my overstimulated son myself, and two, that I had to give up being able to share something that we both love with my mom. She was looking forward to seeing the fireworks too, and instead, got to spend the next 45 minutes cooped up in a car with a crabby and very overstimulated little man.
Parenting a special needs child is exhausting. The rewards are great, I agree. But sometimes the difficult times are just overwhelming. I often wonder why I was selected to walk this path? I feel like an abused dog a lot of the time. The poor soul that is tethered to a chain, and kicked by a steel-toe boot for fun. I don't understand the meaning, and I know it isn't for me to understand. Yet, like that same poor pooch, I always get back up on shaky legs and try to wag my tail.
Hunter and I, we will continue down the path together. I know it isn't intended to be easy. Life isn't easy. I get that. Just once though, I would like to skip in the sunshine surrounded by rainbows and flowers and butterflies. But, for now, I will simply say....Que Sera Sera.
Love, Happiness, and Pet hair,
Shannon
Earlier in the day, the kids, Ken and I were soaking up some sunshine in the morning out on our front deck (pronounce that in a New Zealander accent for fun. If you don't know what I mean, check out the hilarious YouTube video here.) Hunter was being his little terrorist self, running to the edge of the not completed deck and giving us heart attacks every minute or two.
Alexa has a new game that she likes to play with Hunter. It's called "Kiss the baby!" Alexa has a worn out baby doll that she has recently taken a liking to, and has been schooling Hunter in the art of parenting. His first trick is to hold the baby nicely while stroking it's head and crooning "Nice baby" over and over again. His second trick, and the one Alexa is the most proud of, is that she will kiss the baby on the head, hand the baby to Hunter, who will also plant a sloppy kiss on the baby's dirty plastic dome. She loves the way he does this, so encourages him to do it over and over again.
Hunter does a great job of following his sisters lead in most situations. However, he does have a mind of his own, and most of the time it is up to no good. He followed his sisters lead, stroking the baby and giving it a kiss. Then, as quick as can be, he runs to the side of the deck, and chucks the baby to the ground. With a twinkle in his eye, he looks at me in mock terror and yells, "MUMMY! Help baby!"
Wait. What?!
My essentially non-verbal son, who generally only says words when you ask him to repeat them, just came up with a three word sentence that makes sense in time AND context?! Holy hell!
Alexa was already on her way to soothe her broken baby and Hunter was off to his next terrorist task of running to the other side of the open deck to give me a heart attack once more. I, was internally celebrating his amazing feat, and wondering how much more he is holding back on me. Hunter generally does things on his own time, and I assume talking is going to be the same. This made my morning and I immediately ran to Facebook to post the news to my friends and family.
I set myself up to have an amazing day. My son just spoke a three word sentence. What a true "Independence" Day it was turning out to be!
Then, a few hours later, the unwelcome Ice Water Challenge of parenting a kid with special needs came crashing about my head, and remained there dripping its icy fingers down my neck for the rest of the day.
Things have been a bit of a struggle at home lately and to get out of the house and calm down the tension, Ken and I enjoy taking rides. We just hop in the car, drive down a back road and listen to music. This has always helped us, even in the worst of times. Pretty sure our two youngest children are the result of these rides, but I digress.
The kids are generally pretty good and will give us a solid hour of riding around before any complaining or whining starts. This was going pretty well until I decided to take a run down our favorite dirt road through the Gleason Underdowns. Hunter was NOT having it. He started to whine from the beginning. He has developed a new phobia of trees that are too close to the car, and whenever the car is placed into reverse. Both of these things happened within a few seconds of each other and he lost it. Went into complete "I hate the universe and all those within it" meltdown.
Before I make myself sound like a complete ass, let me state: This is my favorite place on Earth to be. Driving through the woods with the windows down, going slow and just enjoying the ride. Nothing kills that vibe like a 5 year old screaming bloody murder in the backseat, and continuing it for every solid second you remain on that stretch of road. By the time we exited back on to the main road, my ears were bleeding and I was seeing red. The only thing running through my head was chorus of negative thoughts, all centering on the same thing: You are not cut out for this. Your life sucks. Why can't you just do something you enjoy without it being ruined?
These thoughts bounced around my head for the entire ride home. Selfish? Yeah. I agree with that. But DAMN. I just wanted to take a ride, and I couldn't even do that.
Things seemed to shape up later on in the evening when we went to Hunter's Aunt's for a cookout. The food was delicious, the kids played nicely and we had a great time. Hunter ate his food, acted like a gentleman and we all unwound. It was great!
Alexa was bound and determined that we were going to go see fireworks. I knew that Hunter hated loud noises, but a good friend had put out an invite to us locals that if we were interested in partaking in the fireworks, we could do so from their backyard. They have a great view with minimal noise. I thought that would be a perfect place for Hunter to be able to enjoy the beautiful explosions of light. Wow, was I wrong!
From the second we walked in the yard, he decided to pitch a fit. He was in unfamiliar territory. My friend's adorable son, who is the same age as Hunter, did everything in his power to get Hunter to want to be friends with him. Hunter rejected every attempt, including pushing him hard twice. This was absolutely heart-breaking to me. Here was a little guy who wanted nothing more than to be Hunter's friend, and Hunter couldn't get past his sensory overload to accept it. Thankfully, my friend is very understanding and knew that Hunter wasn't trying to be mean, he was just overstimulated and acting out. This girl has been one of my best friends since Junior High school. It was so exciting to have boys that were so close in age. But the friendship that I envisioned will never be, because Hunter just doesn't have the capability. It kills me inside.
Thankfully, my mother was with us last evening and offered to take Hunter back to the car so he could calm himself and relax. That way, the rest of the group wouldn't have to listen to his incessant non-stop whining and crying. Two more stakes to the heart. One, that I couldn't calm my overstimulated son myself, and two, that I had to give up being able to share something that we both love with my mom. She was looking forward to seeing the fireworks too, and instead, got to spend the next 45 minutes cooped up in a car with a crabby and very overstimulated little man.
Parenting a special needs child is exhausting. The rewards are great, I agree. But sometimes the difficult times are just overwhelming. I often wonder why I was selected to walk this path? I feel like an abused dog a lot of the time. The poor soul that is tethered to a chain, and kicked by a steel-toe boot for fun. I don't understand the meaning, and I know it isn't for me to understand. Yet, like that same poor pooch, I always get back up on shaky legs and try to wag my tail.
Hunter and I, we will continue down the path together. I know it isn't intended to be easy. Life isn't easy. I get that. Just once though, I would like to skip in the sunshine surrounded by rainbows and flowers and butterflies. But, for now, I will simply say....Que Sera Sera.
Love, Happiness, and Pet hair,
Shannon
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