Gone Fishing.

In an attempt to make my entire body stop hurting, my headache go away, and just plain get out of the house, I have decided to undertake the daunting task of teaching a 4 year old to fish.  Ken's dad lives right on a quiet lake chock full of crappie, bluegill, walleye and bass.  Wrangling her should be interesting, wrangling Hunter should be a downright chore.  We plan to bring his playpen and I will set it up near the campfire area, which is about 10 feet from the dock.  I will honestly have to put something in it to weigh it down, or actually bungee the darn thing to one of the small pine trees, because Hunter can rock the thing so hard, he can actually tip it right over!  I hope he is patient with us, and enjoys the views outside with toys so we have some time to catch some stuff.  Our success today really depends on his mood.  Ken will be on the roof, so he wont be able to be much help.

I am fluctuating between hating my life immensely and hating it a little.  I know it is all part of being pissed at the world for the loss of my little Rosie.  I have had to unfollow a few friends who are pregnant and due around my former due date, because I can't stand to see the updates right now.  It took me over a year after losing Clara to be genuinely happy for people again when announcing a pregnancy.  Please don't take me wrong, I am happy for their happiness, but it hurts so much that I have to do what I can to keep my personal sanity.

The loss of Robin Williams caught me off guard yesterday.  Depression has no limit to who it can impact.  For those who don't know, before Alexa was born, I suffered from a bout of severe depression, and I thought very seriously of ending it all.  Thankfully, a good friend came to my aid, and with counseling and a lovely 3 day trip to the health care center, I was able to move on.  Has the thought crossed my mind since I lost my little one?  I'd be lying if I said it hasn't.  However, things are different now.  I have two little kids who depend on me for everything.  I have Hunter, who will need me forever.  I can't leave them behind.  I will see my Rosie and my Clara someday. For now, I have too much to keep me here.  Please, no one call the authorities, this is just me being honest.  Ken is aware of my feelings and we have talked.  I'm not hiding anything from anyone, and I think that is the best therapy of all.

I'm still upset. I'm still teary. things on TV and posts on Facebook send me into racking sobs.  I ask myself "why?" a 100 times a day.  I pray that at my four week visit, the doctor can shed some light into what happened.  If they can't, I plan to undergo some testing to see if my body is just done with pregnancy.  The day after I delivered her, I signed a paper to send to my insurance for a tubal ligation.  My current insurance requires that you wait 30 days before making that decision.  Do I think I could do this again?  No.  I really don't think so.  If the doctors could give me a 100% reason as to why it happened and how it could be fixed, I would consider it.   Since I lost Clara, there has been a gaping hole in my heart, and the loss of Rosie has only made the hole bigger. I doubt that will happen though.  I think this is the fates saying that my childbearing years need to come to an end.

A friend told me once that I place too much of my own self worth into my children.  I know that there is a great deal of truth to what she says.  I've never been successful at anything I've ever done.  Except for these three clowns.  They are the best thing about me.  They are all I truly have to offer to this world.  They are my everything.

Comments

  1. You are in my thoughts and prayers as always. I wonder how many times your daughter will want to change her fishing lure. My daughters would get bored very quickly at her age.

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