When is enough, enough??
Lately, there has been something very large pressing on my mind. Something I cannot shake, and something I need to figure out. My close friends are aware of my feelings, and have given opinions, yet, regardless, I still feel undecided.
Those that know us (and who have followed on this blog) know that we have three children. I have a 10 year old son from a previous marriage, and then we have a 2 year old little girl, and our almost 11 month old, Hunter, who has Down Syndrome.
When I got pregnant with Hunter, we were absolutely done having kids. This was it. No more. Our family was complete. I fully believed that. As I progressed in the pregnancy, and had the familiar back pain, minor complications and issues, swelling, etc...I was DONE. This was it.
Now I'm not so sure.
Hunter has been a little blessing in our lives. He is a ball of happiness and sunshine. He has made me a better person. I look forward to what our future holds with him! But, having Hunter brings many more things to our lives. He requires more time, more energy. He is sick more often, and has many doctors appointments and therapies. He definitely keeps us busy.
Starting on the 23rd, I am also going back to school full time to finally pursue my degree in nursing. I am excited about this career choice, and don't need to be set back again. I can't be set back again.
Yet...I still wonder.
The majority of the friends and family members that I speak to about having more children, think I'm completely off my rocker. They feel that we already have our hands completely full, and that we don't need to add any more "burden" to our family. I'm sure a few have thought about the consequences of having another child with special needs...as have I. A very close friend of mine mentioned that having another child may take my attention off of Hunter. Financially, can we handle another?? Can ANYONE really afford to have children??
When Hunter was born with Down's Syndrome, the game changed for all of us. We expected to have a completely healthy, normal child. A child who would do so many things. Many of those dreams will not come true with him. Do I want a replacement?? Hell no. Do I want the opportunity to have those dreams come true? Who wouldn't??
What many people probably don't understand if they are unfamiliar with DS, is that Hunter is sterile. He will never be able to have children of his own. One of the main reasons I wanted another child after Alexa was born was to give Ken the opportunity to have a son to pass on his name. It is something he has always talked about, and something that will never come true.
Now here is where I find myself torn. If Hunter had been a girl, would this even matter?? We had decided long ago that this would be it, regardless. Is it because I thought everything was perfect, and then it got ripped away that I feel the need to try this again?? We always want something we can't have. What is the true meaning behind this urge?
A few months ago, I thought I had made my peace with not having any more children. Then I discovered that I have significantly high thyroid antibodies that would make carrying a pregnancy to term almost impossible. Maybe I was at peace before because it never occurred to me that I couldn't change my mind?
I am still haunted on a frequent basis of the son I was promised, but didn't have. The handsome, tall, athletic man who walked before he turned one, and was a basketball star in high school. I am still jealous of others who have "typical" kids. I know this is something that will forever be. So again, am I REALLY wanting another child, or am I looking to try to heal a hurt that is never going to heal?
Maybe life would just be easier if I would just schedule the appointment and had my tubes tied. It would forever take the question away. *Sigh* Why can't life just be easy?
Those that know us (and who have followed on this blog) know that we have three children. I have a 10 year old son from a previous marriage, and then we have a 2 year old little girl, and our almost 11 month old, Hunter, who has Down Syndrome.
When I got pregnant with Hunter, we were absolutely done having kids. This was it. No more. Our family was complete. I fully believed that. As I progressed in the pregnancy, and had the familiar back pain, minor complications and issues, swelling, etc...I was DONE. This was it.
Now I'm not so sure.
Hunter has been a little blessing in our lives. He is a ball of happiness and sunshine. He has made me a better person. I look forward to what our future holds with him! But, having Hunter brings many more things to our lives. He requires more time, more energy. He is sick more often, and has many doctors appointments and therapies. He definitely keeps us busy.
Starting on the 23rd, I am also going back to school full time to finally pursue my degree in nursing. I am excited about this career choice, and don't need to be set back again. I can't be set back again.
Yet...I still wonder.
The majority of the friends and family members that I speak to about having more children, think I'm completely off my rocker. They feel that we already have our hands completely full, and that we don't need to add any more "burden" to our family. I'm sure a few have thought about the consequences of having another child with special needs...as have I. A very close friend of mine mentioned that having another child may take my attention off of Hunter. Financially, can we handle another?? Can ANYONE really afford to have children??
When Hunter was born with Down's Syndrome, the game changed for all of us. We expected to have a completely healthy, normal child. A child who would do so many things. Many of those dreams will not come true with him. Do I want a replacement?? Hell no. Do I want the opportunity to have those dreams come true? Who wouldn't??
What many people probably don't understand if they are unfamiliar with DS, is that Hunter is sterile. He will never be able to have children of his own. One of the main reasons I wanted another child after Alexa was born was to give Ken the opportunity to have a son to pass on his name. It is something he has always talked about, and something that will never come true.
Now here is where I find myself torn. If Hunter had been a girl, would this even matter?? We had decided long ago that this would be it, regardless. Is it because I thought everything was perfect, and then it got ripped away that I feel the need to try this again?? We always want something we can't have. What is the true meaning behind this urge?
A few months ago, I thought I had made my peace with not having any more children. Then I discovered that I have significantly high thyroid antibodies that would make carrying a pregnancy to term almost impossible. Maybe I was at peace before because it never occurred to me that I couldn't change my mind?
I am still haunted on a frequent basis of the son I was promised, but didn't have. The handsome, tall, athletic man who walked before he turned one, and was a basketball star in high school. I am still jealous of others who have "typical" kids. I know this is something that will forever be. So again, am I REALLY wanting another child, or am I looking to try to heal a hurt that is never going to heal?
Maybe life would just be easier if I would just schedule the appointment and had my tubes tied. It would forever take the question away. *Sigh* Why can't life just be easy?
Love, Happiness and Pet hair,
Shannon
Comments
Post a Comment