The light at the end of the tunnel. Light? Or just an oncoming train?

In my previous post, I expressed some serious darkness that had been building up inside of me.  It was not my intention to offend anyone, but it was however, my way of getting what was building up out.  There is a line of a song that really hits home for me:

 "2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song/If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to." (Anna Nalick - 2 a.m.)  

This blog has become therapy for me.  It helps me to just throw everything out to just see where it lands.  It helps.  

Because of my last post, a great friend (you know who you are) hooked me up with a friend of hers who has a child with a disability, who has also lived a difficult life, and who was willing to sit down and talk to me.  The ability to vent to her, to someone who TRULY understands, was a wonderful feeling.  She was harsh in some aspects of my darkness, but understanding.  This is what I need.  I needed someone to say, "No, its NEVER going to be alright, but it is what it is.  Learn to deal with it, or let it consume you."  She also told me that Hunter WILL feel what I feel, and act how I act.  Just because he has Down Syndrome doesn't mean that he will not be in-tune to his family.  

Those comments really brought some things home for me.  While I'm not the only person out there in this situation, having someone, virtually in my backyard, who has been there, done that, and survived it all...wow.  I really am not alone.

Yes, I am still angry.  I'm dealing with those emotions.  I see a therapist, I talk to my pastor.  I think more than anything, I needed to hear from someone who really understood.  I love all my friends, and the outpouring of support has been fantastic, please, please, please, don't get me wrong.  I appreciate it.  I do.  But in the back of my mind is always "you with NEVER understand."  Having family members telling me to suck it up??  Oh. Hell. No.  You will never be where I am.  Ever.  I want a hug, and I want some respite.  But in no way do I want advice from someone who hasn't done this.  

Something else that would help??  I want promises to be kept.  When Hunter was in the NICU, several promises were made.  I cannot tell you how HURT I am that most of them were not kept.  The times that I needed someone the most, I was brushed to the side.  While I understand that people have their own lives, and own issues....don't make promises you have no intention on keeping.  Promises not kept are worse than no effort at all.

I had a very bad day on the day I posted my previous blog.  Very bad.  Yesterday, I had a very good day.  Hunter sailed through his PT, and showed her everything he had in his tiny little arsenal.  One little sentence set my mood for the day.  His PT said "This little man is SO motivated."  Put me on a high for the remainder of the day.  Then that telephone call from my new friend came.  That gave ME motivation!!!

I received a few messages from other mommies of children with DS, and the majority of those said that I am on a forever rollercoaster.  Lots of ups, and lots of downs.  I just hope that I can learn to better manage the downs, because they are really hard, and the last thing I want to do is affect Hunter.  

One final thing I wanted to clarify, is something I said in my last post.  It seemed to hit a lot of people in the wrong place.  I said that he would never play sports, and if he did, he would be more of a novelty than a player.  I think what people heard is that I would never allow him to try.  That is not the case in the slightest.  While I am angry and disappointed and scared, I would never discourage this boy from doing anything.  If he decides to play basketball and rides the bench 99.9 percent of the time, I WILL BE THERE TO CHEER HIM ON.  I will do my best by him.  But it doesn't stop the fact that expectations I had were crushed.  I'm fully aware that there will be new expectations, and I am wrapping my head around that.  I'm helping him in every way I can.  We exercise, we talk, we engage, we laugh.  I love him, please don't get me wrong.  I'm just trying to be realistic.  

Back to the title of my post.  Yesterday, I glimpsed a small light at the end of the tunnel.  Most people would see that as a positive.  My whole life, no matter what seemed to go right, it was always followed by a very BIG wrong.  So while others would run into the tunnel, and head for that light...I've got my ear to the track, making sure that it isn't an oncoming train.